"Responsibility means you don't run away when someone asks, 'Who did that?'"
-Aunt May of Amazing Spider-Man
Whenever I'm along with my thoughts, like in my car or in the shower or even just sitting look up at the stars, I think of some of the stupid things I have done in my past and I curse at myself.
Fuck! Why did you do that? You're stupid.
And well, a certain something has been eating away at me for a while now. Something I wish I thought before I said. Now we all have those times, when our tongue moves faster than our heads. Me? I do it almost everyday. I can think of about three times it happened tonight. Sometimes I thought it just thought it made me genuinely honest. But most of the time it just makes me genuinely stupid. So what's this one stupid thing that's got me beating myself up every night?
About two months ago someone I really cared about (maybe still do) got blindsided by something horrible. She lost her brother in a motorcycle accident. After gathering up the courage to do something, I wrote to her. A short e-mail with the subject line: "Whenever You Wanna Read This" While writing that e-mail, I thought about all the people I had lost in my life, almost in tragic succession. My grandfather died in high school. My uncle died during the start of my freshmen year in college. My cousin disappeared at the beginning of sophomore year, and his mom (my aunt) died on the week of Christmas. My grandma died during Thanksgiving break in my junior year. And my friend died the summer after my senior year, before I could show her I crossed.
Every year in college, something bad appened. With that in my mind, I felt I had my share of tragedy in my life and I thought I had something to offer her. I don't know what exactly, but something.
In that e-mail, I had the wreckless audacity to say: "I know what you're going through."
Looking back, I didn't know what she was going through. And I still don't know.
Maybe I was too sure of myself living through the bad and coming out good.
Maybe I was too sure of myself at all.
In the end, I was wrong, and I had no right to even think I knew what she was going through.
Sure I lost all those people in my life, but none of them were a brother.
Everytime I hear about meeting up with her, or even the possibility, I get this major panic attack.
I'm lost for words, and part of me wants to run the hell out of there and into the other direction.
Pretty cowardly, huh? But after realizing the stupid things you said, you just want to run away and hide.
Hide from the shame. Hide from the guilt. Hide from the repercussions of what you said. Hide from the reminders of how stupid you were. Hide from the responsibility of your actions.
And hiding is a safe place to be. It's so easy too. You don't have to think about the negative "what if"s that bombard your brain and making you second guess yourself. And I hate second guessing myself. It makes me feel so weak. I mean if you're unsure of yourself, then how can you be sure of anything else.
Running away is just so easy.
But just because it's easy doesn't make it right. And I know the right thing to do. I gotta own up to what I did and fix it. And if I can't, it's alright, as long as I own up to it. Because it was me behind every stupid thing in my past. And if I hate second guessing myself so much, I can start fixing it by owning up to the actions and words to the people I am responsible to in my life.
I am responsible for everything I said and did in my life. And responsibility means not running away when someone asks "Who did that?"
-Aunt May of Amazing Spider-Man
Whenever I'm along with my thoughts, like in my car or in the shower or even just sitting look up at the stars, I think of some of the stupid things I have done in my past and I curse at myself.
Fuck! Why did you do that? You're stupid.
And well, a certain something has been eating away at me for a while now. Something I wish I thought before I said. Now we all have those times, when our tongue moves faster than our heads. Me? I do it almost everyday. I can think of about three times it happened tonight. Sometimes I thought it just thought it made me genuinely honest. But most of the time it just makes me genuinely stupid. So what's this one stupid thing that's got me beating myself up every night?
About two months ago someone I really cared about (maybe still do) got blindsided by something horrible. She lost her brother in a motorcycle accident. After gathering up the courage to do something, I wrote to her. A short e-mail with the subject line: "Whenever You Wanna Read This" While writing that e-mail, I thought about all the people I had lost in my life, almost in tragic succession. My grandfather died in high school. My uncle died during the start of my freshmen year in college. My cousin disappeared at the beginning of sophomore year, and his mom (my aunt) died on the week of Christmas. My grandma died during Thanksgiving break in my junior year. And my friend died the summer after my senior year, before I could show her I crossed.
Every year in college, something bad appened. With that in my mind, I felt I had my share of tragedy in my life and I thought I had something to offer her. I don't know what exactly, but something.
In that e-mail, I had the wreckless audacity to say: "I know what you're going through."
Looking back, I didn't know what she was going through. And I still don't know.
Maybe I was too sure of myself living through the bad and coming out good.
Maybe I was too sure of myself at all.
In the end, I was wrong, and I had no right to even think I knew what she was going through.
Sure I lost all those people in my life, but none of them were a brother.
Everytime I hear about meeting up with her, or even the possibility, I get this major panic attack.
I'm lost for words, and part of me wants to run the hell out of there and into the other direction.
Pretty cowardly, huh? But after realizing the stupid things you said, you just want to run away and hide.
Hide from the shame. Hide from the guilt. Hide from the repercussions of what you said. Hide from the reminders of how stupid you were. Hide from the responsibility of your actions.
And hiding is a safe place to be. It's so easy too. You don't have to think about the negative "what if"s that bombard your brain and making you second guess yourself. And I hate second guessing myself. It makes me feel so weak. I mean if you're unsure of yourself, then how can you be sure of anything else.
Running away is just so easy.
But just because it's easy doesn't make it right. And I know the right thing to do. I gotta own up to what I did and fix it. And if I can't, it's alright, as long as I own up to it. Because it was me behind every stupid thing in my past. And if I hate second guessing myself so much, I can start fixing it by owning up to the actions and words to the people I am responsible to in my life.
I am responsible for everything I said and did in my life. And responsibility means not running away when someone asks "Who did that?"
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