I mean, I thought I would get used to all this running around at night, but I don't think so.
I can't even dream a damn decent dream.
Sure, I dream about family and friends. But ultimately, some theme about an emergency or taking care of some patient arises. And that's it. Family and friends? They're just the supporting cast.
In the end, it's just me - chasing pavement. Ha, and not even a damn hot and sexy dream about some girl!
It's like, I can't unwind anymore. I can come back from a night of work, and not not come back at the same time. I can't switch-off.
I don't want to come off and bitch about circumstances I chose - because this is it. This is my choice. No second-guessing here. I'm doing "good".
But I'm having trouble handling all this on my own. And at the same time, I don't want to be one of those people who puts their burdens on somebody else.
I help people. But who will help me?
You see, I deal with a lot of shit. Besides, illnesses and injuries - I deal with people. People with broken pasts, or just broken people. And this stuff gets to me. I take all the problems in their lives, and take it as my own. And then when I get home, and try to relax - I can't, because all their stuff comes up. And it seems that the only way I can separate work from home is talking about this.
But 1) There's no one to "unload" on because they're so busy with self-absorbed with their own shit.
And 2) I hate coming off as some weak-ass punk who can't hack it.
I hate talking about this. Mostly because I come off as weak. I don't want to appear weak. I can't.
Who the hell can somebody help someone else, when they can't even help themselves? Can't even carry their own burdens?
I hate talking about this. I hate coming off as some weak punk who can't hack it. But it seems that the only way that I can hack it is if I can unload a bit of this on the people around me.
Fuck, why can't I do this on my own?! Why the hell do I have to bother others with this - THIS: My own personal burden.
Dammit! I want to do this on my own.
Because when stuff goes down for people around you, but you couldn't carry your own stuff -
What the hell are you gonna do then?
Psh, some "hero" I'm turning out to be.
It's been a couple months since I actual started working as an EMT. And I'm out there, practically every night - one the front lines of dealing with the sick or injured. Some patients really strike a chord in you.
Last week, there was one patient who really reminded me of my grandfather, who died when I was 15 years old. And while we rode in the ambulance, he was telling me all these bits of pieces of wisdom.
"Live a good life." "Find that good woman, and love her." "Don't waste your time, live while you can."
With each word, I leaned in close and looked eye to eye with him - accepting each tid-bit of wisdom, as if my grandfather was telling me all the things he couldn't when he died some eight years ago.
I can still feel the tears welling up inside.
I still remember what drives me to do this. I remember the words my father said to me as I helped on a car accident on I-95 coming down from Rhode Island: "You did good".
I did good. I do good. Am I good?
These days, I don't really know. In fact, I feel unappreciated. Undermind.
I don't tell people my story because, they just nod and go on with what they were going to say. And that hurts, because - well, I take so much pride in what I do.
I spend my nights dealing with people vulnerabilities and insecurities. I guess, eventually those vulnerabilities and insecurities would deal with me.
Something is happening to me these days. I feel all this negative... THING crawling up inside me. In fact, I would lie down at night and sort through every emotion stirring up inside of me.
Anger. Rage. Sadness. Loneliness.
Out of all of the emotions ripping and roaring through me, none among them are "happy". What the hell is happening to me?
I'd find myself internalizing a lot of built up anger and resentment towards the people that care about me. I find myself driven for my own personal benefit.
Oddly enough, at the same time - I'm finding a lot of extreme narcissistic-elitist notions inside of me.
I see myself, BETTER than a lot of people. I see the weaknesses in some people and it makes me laugh.
I don't know what the what it is, but whatever it is - it isn't "good".