For the Moments I Feel Weak

I got this habit - a bad habit. Whenever something bothers me, I keep it in. I used to let it all out, and tell the world know exactly what was bothering me. But I don't do that anymore. I used spill my guts - but I don't want to be that kind of person anymore. I don't want to be one of those people who puts their burdens on others. I want to own those burdens on my own. Otherwise, I felt it made me look weak. I mean, come on - who would put their confidence in someone who kept showing others the chinks in their armor.
I need to be perfect. I can't show any flaws. I can't let others see me weak.

But honestly, I'm not very good at that. When something bothers me, it shows. It really fucking shows. And I wish it didn't.

I have some pretty good people around me. People who genuinely care, who want to help - but I'm stuck.
I feel like, if I let it all out then maybe they'd find something and make them turn away - disgusted. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday.
We all have our demons - our curses. But I have a hard enough time facing them by myself, what about others. What would they do?
In the end, I'm lonely. I can have the world fall in love with me, but I'd still be alone in my thoughts and principles.

So, when something is wrong, and eating away at my insides - never you worry, and never you fear. I'll take care of this on my own. I'll find a way. For my sake, as well as yours.
This is mine. I got this.

A Good Night's Rest

You know, I completely under estimated a good night's rest - completely. Before I used to think that running on the ambulance would clear my head. But last night, doing 14 hours straight on the street - it really didn't.
If anything, it only made some things weigh heavier in my head:
Paying off the bills. Replacing my damn cracked car windshield.
That girl. This patient. That jerk. This sunny day when I'm stuck working. That cigarette. This sense of not being good enough for the people around me.

All kinds of stuff that's somehow managed to clog up my head. This - SHIT!!
All of it gone, after a good night's rest.

Thank God for that one -
Now, what was I going to do today?

No Einstein

Alright, so I'm not exactly the sharpest knife in the proverbial drawer. I've done some pretty stupid things in my past. Most often than not, they're the result of acting without thinking. This is just one such thing...

For about a year now, I've been taking daily hikes. Venues change, such as the boardwalk or a local park. But as long as I get some fresh air and get the blood flowing, I'm good. Nothing like getting out there and wandering, alone with your thoughts - it's just easy. Earlier today, it was gray and cold, with a fresh coat of April showers. Most people would just stay in under the covers or spend a lazy day on the couch and watch three straight hours of Top Chef or something like that. But now your ever-loving me. So I set out for the park down the block, with hiking sneakers, slacks, running jacket, and a weighted vest for that little challenge. About a mile and a half into my routine, I noticed I had not come across another person in the park. I smiled to myself, enjoying the solitude. Savoring the time when I could let out my constant inner-monologue out-loud! It almost on cue, it began to rain. But I did not mind. On the contrary, I loved it. Not bad, eh?
And then came the thunder. "It's alright," I told myself. "I still don't see any flashes of lightning." Spoke to soon. Flashes of light lit up the sky around me, with the thunder rumbling the ground beneath my feet. I quickened my pace. And then an awareness came to me like, Oh-snap!-I-left- the-iron-on!
"Oh shit," I said to myself. "I'm drenched head to toe with rain and sweat, with 50 lbs of metal strapped to my body!" Oh shit. "I'm a walking fucking conductor."
The panic lessened as I remembered I'd be alright. If God would take me home now, I'd be fine with that. Why the hell not? No more problems. No more drama. No more struggles. Just good times ahead with God. I man'ed up and kept on going.

I covered my ears and ran a bit faster.
Real brave, big boy. Real brave.

I got home safe. Un-sing'ed, but soaked. And jumped into a nice hot shower.
Heh, I'm no Einstein.