"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
It's been a couple months since I actual started working as an EMT. And I'm out there, practically every night - one the front lines of dealing with the sick or injured. Some patients really strike a chord in you.
Last week, there was one patient who really reminded me of my grandfather, who died when I was 15 years old. And while we rode in the ambulance, he was telling me all these bits of pieces of wisdom.
"Live a good life." "Find that good woman, and love her." "Don't waste your time, live while you can."
With each word, I leaned in close and looked eye to eye with him - accepting each tid-bit of wisdom, as if my grandfather was telling me all the things he couldn't when he died some eight years ago.
I can still feel the tears welling up inside.
I still remember what drives me to do this. I remember the words my father said to me as I helped on a car accident on I-95 coming down from Rhode Island: "You did good".
I did good. I do good. Am I good?
These days, I don't really know. In fact, I feel unappreciated. Undermind.
I don't tell people my story because, they just nod and go on with what they were going to say. And that hurts, because - well, I take so much pride in what I do.
I spend my nights dealing with people vulnerabilities and insecurities. I guess, eventually those vulnerabilities and insecurities would deal with me.
Something is happening to me these days. I feel all this negative... THING crawling up inside me. In fact, I would lie down at night and sort through every emotion stirring up inside of me.
Anger. Rage. Sadness. Loneliness.
Out of all of the emotions ripping and roaring through me, none among them are "happy". What the hell is happening to me?
I'd find myself internalizing a lot of built up anger and resentment towards the people that care about me. I find myself driven for my own personal benefit.
Oddly enough, at the same time - I'm finding a lot of extreme narcissistic-elitist notions inside of me.
I see myself, BETTER than a lot of people. I see the weaknesses in some people and it makes me laugh.
I don't know what the what it is, but whatever it is - it isn't "good".
-Friedrich Nietzsche
It's been a couple months since I actual started working as an EMT. And I'm out there, practically every night - one the front lines of dealing with the sick or injured. Some patients really strike a chord in you.
Last week, there was one patient who really reminded me of my grandfather, who died when I was 15 years old. And while we rode in the ambulance, he was telling me all these bits of pieces of wisdom.
"Live a good life." "Find that good woman, and love her." "Don't waste your time, live while you can."
With each word, I leaned in close and looked eye to eye with him - accepting each tid-bit of wisdom, as if my grandfather was telling me all the things he couldn't when he died some eight years ago.
I can still feel the tears welling up inside.
I still remember what drives me to do this. I remember the words my father said to me as I helped on a car accident on I-95 coming down from Rhode Island: "You did good".
I did good. I do good. Am I good?
These days, I don't really know. In fact, I feel unappreciated. Undermind.
I don't tell people my story because, they just nod and go on with what they were going to say. And that hurts, because - well, I take so much pride in what I do.
I spend my nights dealing with people vulnerabilities and insecurities. I guess, eventually those vulnerabilities and insecurities would deal with me.
Something is happening to me these days. I feel all this negative... THING crawling up inside me. In fact, I would lie down at night and sort through every emotion stirring up inside of me.
Anger. Rage. Sadness. Loneliness.
Out of all of the emotions ripping and roaring through me, none among them are "happy". What the hell is happening to me?
I'd find myself internalizing a lot of built up anger and resentment towards the people that care about me. I find myself driven for my own personal benefit.
Oddly enough, at the same time - I'm finding a lot of extreme narcissistic-elitist notions inside of me.
I see myself, BETTER than a lot of people. I see the weaknesses in some people and it makes me laugh.
I don't know what the what it is, but whatever it is - it isn't "good".
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